Masking
When you’ve been masking for most of your life, people don’t see the time you spend after each social interaction, overthinking and worrying you’ve said the ‘wrong’ thing. They don’t see you reaching for learned, rehearsed responses in conversation. They don’t see the panic when you feel the anxiety rise in your chest and tighten in your throat, leaving you pushing to get the words out and praying they make some semblance of sense. They don’t see your mind going blank, or your eyes struggling to focus while you grapple with trying to pay attention to what they’re saying, and at the same time maintain eye contact because you’ve been taught that not looking someone in the eye when you’re speaking to them is a sign that you are untrustworthy or dishonest. It doesn’t matter that it distracts you, makes you uncomfortable, or makes it hard to listen. Don’t fidget, and remember to smile, but not too much. Isn’t it any wonder that socialising is so draining?
When they call you ‘high functioning’, what that really means is ‘high masking’. You have become an expert at it. So expert that you have been able to go most of your life without anyone really suspecting you’re autistic. People say ‘we never would’ve guessed!’ as though it’s a compliment. They don’t see how hard you’ve had to work to make it look so effortless. They don’t see the years you’ve been studying and learning the nuances of neurotypicalism. The way you’ve tried to tune out of your own natural frequency. The way you’ve learned to doubt and question every little thing about yourself. Your abilities, your values, your self worth, your own particular desires and needs. Instead of really being present in your own life, you are always thinking about how you can make things easier for others, because being a burden, or causing anyone even a slight bit of an inconvenience is unthinkable. It’s always something to avoid at all costs. So you become agreeable, conflict avoidant, a people pleaser. You do it because it feels necessary to your survival, it feels conditional to you being allowed to take up space, to being accepted and included. It feels like you have to work very hard to earn what everybody else seems to have been born with an entitlement to.
The playing field is not level, it’s wholly unequal. And this is really what neurodivergent people mean when we talk about accommodations, by the way. It’s also the reason why so many of us reject the term ‘special needs’. Our needs are not special. We’re just asking for you to help us make things equal.
“Refusing to perform neurotypicality is a revolutionary act of disability justice. It's also a radical act of self-love.”
― Devon Price, Unmasking Autism: Discovering the New Faces of Neurodiversity
